There is no stopping the elements that made us.

Last day of class. Last day of this semester. Last day of having to go to “The Place That Hurts”. 1 week from tomorrow, all will be done. The summer will have started for me.

If it can die, it can be killed.

It has been a long, heavy semester. I never want to repeat this past semester. I’ve heard that these years can be hard for most students. I hear that it’s like ripping a 4-year long metal stake out of your side. 

Migraine Bulbs

I couldn’t sleep last night, and was in desperate need of something to kill the pain behind my eyes. I was tired, but my eyes were still awake, waiting for more stimulation. I don’t wish this pain for anyone. 

Estoy muriendo…

Just to think…only one year left. One year left of doing this all over again. I am in an infinite loop, where all the good things in life, appear only as shiny, distant unobtainable memories awaiting their occurance. Burning stars in the darkest black.

Sometimes I just sit at home and listen to Evangelos Odysseas Papathanassiou over and over. Blade Runner Blues…it’s no gimmick, I feel like one of those, replicants that needs family photos to presuppose its existence. 

What I remember from this picture is this: my brother playing with my presents, resulting in the death of my action figures (via our golden retriever, Brandie). Not a happy ending for Luke and Bo…Plastic Mauling.

“For the first time in years, I finally woke up with a pillow in my mouth.”

I can’t walk into the daylight without first analyzing the structure of clouds, and making sure there aren’t any sky rapists outside. You have no idea how fast and how awkward things can get when there are…

“This is a little number, I like to call: Bearfoot, Thunder Tails”

Growing up we had a pinano, and us kids would jam out to Simon and Garfunkel cranked up on the phonograph. Then dad would come home and give us all a taffy and pat us upon the head, ensuring that we’ve since done our … <sigh> this never happened..

“You. Just. Don’t. Get. It. Do you?”

Sometimes people hated reading. I understand how that can be. I was a kid once too you know! But reading is important, and so is constant fear and manipulation. If you’re reading this now, you’ve already been losing valuable life-moments that you will never see again…there are kids in Chinafrica that could use those moments…

“And for the first time in months, I bought a dirty magazine and thought of how it used to be…”

Genes are funny. But what makes them so funny? Well, for one thing, they’re small. And small things are funny. Additionally, they’re unable to be found by the IRS — that’s pretty funny too (in a funny way!); and they’re good in breakfast cereals — fun!

“If I were an enzyme, I’d be helicase. So I could unzip your genes.”

I miss Chester Jeffries Peaches, the neighborhood cat that used to come to my house and give me makin-biscuit-snuggle-time. Not since the 80′s did I feel worth something more than a can of ham. I guess I’ll have to eat all this 11oz steak by myself.

The first one that I’ve ever had of the nature began in the US, around last October I think…and it was absolutely terrifying.  I don’t know when they started here exactly…

The feeling is of nothingness and uncertainty within the element of something really wrong and extremely frightening creating only one response in your mind: Get the hell out.  Inside these dreams, everything moves and nothing moves, there is suspicion everywhere and the whole house (usually they’re houses) is alive with this pulsation of negativity and anxiousness.

The walls and ground feel alive, and were you to touch them, you would feel a deep kind of fear, that doesn’t care if you’re scared or not, but just wishes to be around you and in your thoughts, eating away at your hope.  Very seldom will I see a man, or woman, or life form who’s there, emitting the fear, because I don’t know if it’s a person…that’s another factor: the unidentifiable source from whence it comes from.

It feels like it must be someone, or of someone in particular, though I know not who.  It could also be that I’ve accidentally wondered into the dreams of someone else, which ultimately gives me no control in the dream.  But, I really don’t believe that to be the case.

Things will happen that resemble a poltergeist’s presence of sorts.  Like, doors will shut, cars will look like they’re broken and destroyed and then when you blink or turn your head for a moment, it would be back to normal.  Illusions.  All of everything is an illusion, the sounds, tastes, and people, and everything – an illusion inside of an illusion inside of an illusion and so on in order to purposely exhaust your rationale to have more of a hold on your mind.

These dreams hold a very surreal feeling to them as though anything could happen because nothing’s stabilized; nothing at all is secure and objective.  It’s like I was in this other world of encrypted chaos and fear and that there was something or someone there who was in control of it, as though I were in another person’s dreams or nightmares and they wanted me to get out or suffer the consequences.

All of the dreams of this nature are always frightening and leave me waking up in terror and confusion.  The objects always in these dreams are: a house, people I don’t know or have never seen before, and the feeling to hurry and leave as soon as I’m there.

The actual feeling is so interestingly confusing and multisided; it’s everything and nothing.  As soon as I’m there an alarm goes off in my mind to get out and leave no questions asked.  I usually leave fairly quickly, but sometimes I end up staying in there for too long and become abnormally frightened and stuck in the illusions.  The worst time was when I had to surround myself in white light because I was so terrified.

I had closed my eyes and repeated to myself over and over in my mind to be wrapped in white light and suddenly a radiance of blue and white light surrounded my being, and I was lifted out of the house and into the daylight faraway from the house and into town.  I could still feel the force though, but I was in a safer position and with people that were good.

The first time I dealt with these types of dreams in that late October, I had located the source coming from a crack in the wall, or television or something in this huge and disgustingly decrepit blue house.  It said something to me, but I don’t recall what and then proceeded to torment me.  But I was strong then and defeated the pull of its illusions and fear.  But these dreams that I’m having here are difficult and I cannot face them that way for some reason.  The illusions are too great and too powerful.

They’re illusions.  All of them.  The entire dream is conducted on the illusionary tactics of a mastermind.  The fear derived from these illusions is incredibly lonely and dark, as though one is inside of a town, alone, at night, with no light, no beam of positive hope.  All is lost and all is isolated.

The houses are terribly evil.  Everything is evil.  That is the only word I can think of, evil.  There’s nothing else but a feeling of evil inside of these houses and the light is lit low.  Sometimes the houses are huge and long and mysterious, sometimes they are small and houses I know of like my old house on Trevor Hill.  The houses almost feel haunted by evil and despair and one can literally feel the vibes of hate radiating from the walls, ceilings, ground and windows, creating the effect that the entire house is alive with hate and fear and loneliness.

It is a most terrifying situation to be in, and almost no one else in the dream can feel these things.  It is just me.

- Dated: October 29th, 2003