Trampoline Breath

“Perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest being something helpless that wants help from us.” – Rainer Maria Rilke

I suppose Herr Rilke never had to deal with Time Warner Cable. Was on the phone with them from 8am to 930am. They are the most useless, unhelpful, and undeniably the worst representatives of American customer service. They can go straight to hell.

BURN!!! BURN!!!BURN!!! BURN!!!BURN!!! BURN!!!BURN!!! BURN!!!BURN!!! BURN!!!BURN!!! BURN!!!

Okay moving on. In the future, I think we can all agree, dealing with idiots is the last thing any one singular person wants to deal with in this universe. I’d rather be cattle-pronged than deal with a world full of morons.

SO, let’s talk about holiday food ideas. I already know what kind of food I’ll be eating: pizza, french fries, and eggnog. What? What is that wrong? I’m pretty affluent in holiday meal preparation. It’s easy, just through a pizza in the oven, eat some ketchup with some fries, and then when the pizza is done, just pull it out and use eggnog as a dipping sauce. What?

I’m sorry, but no. You could NEVER not have a light on and/or be drunk in this house. You would perish within seconds of your 3rd shot of Jameson. Parties, children, plump kitties? Forget it. This house is goddam death trap. It’s like the architect was watching only Lars Von Trier films during his entire creative process…Natural linear and geometric beauty meets the stark reality of a world where darkness must not be allowed to exist, yet must…and inevitably will…ja ja, det er storslået!

I’m rather afraid of missing information, being misinformed, or not being able to find a way out of the woods when the temperature is dropping rapidly and the sun is almost gone and someone is following you. That has actually happened to me before. It was scary.

The things we don’t deal with in the comforts of a city…

I think another serious fear of mine is being eaten alive by a wild animal. I don’t think it would be anything but terrifying, as it ripped away at your face, hands, legs, and neck until you just succumbed to the exhaustive efforts of staying alive. Exsanguination although typically fast, can in this instance, be a real bitch.

In conjunction with fighting for your life, not being properly prepared is such a bummer. I would think that right before an attack, you would just hope that for some reason you packed the real knife and not the pretend sparring knife that is in today’s society considered an act of holy war against the holy government.

Oh my god. You see, this is exactly what I’m talking about. Why are you walking around in the snow, trying to find dry, warmish land and a bowl full of vegan chili? No hat? Only your sister’s Herschel backpack, and matching sleeping bag eh? Goddam this is going to end bad.

…I think I’m going to give up racquetball, seeing as my abilities to not fall through giant glass doors are not getting any better. I think it’s time to pick up Jai-Alai. Either that or find a fencing buddy. I’ve always wanted to learn fencing…