You know, the holidays are fun. They’re like wrapped gifts, so pretty, mysterious. The very word ‘present’ is a present in itself even. So lovely, until you shake them. Then the mystery breaks, and the distressing truth flops out: it’s just another necktie, waiting to strangle you in your drunken holiday afternoon nap. Fuck it. Open the eggnog at 3am, no one cares anymore that you’re a poor thirty-year old drinking out of the eggnog-carton from your parents futuristic refrigerator, something you will never be able to rightfully call yours.
And then comes the sibling rivalry. My favorite part. Let me explain something really fast: being an older brother is not all it’s cracked up to be. You have to “be responsible”, “set a good example”, “don’t lock them in a broom closet till sunrise”… I mean, didn’t our parents understand that all that responsibility at such a young age would inevitably draw terrible repercussions throughout the rest of life? Fortunately for me, I like repercussions.
Holidays brings out the best and the worst in people. It’s true. I cannot for the life of me remember a time when holidays ever went swimmingly. In each instance, there was something. Sometimes it was pithy dialogue between father and son; other times, it was a sloppy fight between me and turkey. Whether it’s the family getting into fights over gifts, the collective gathering of cousins and relatives that despise each other, or the over zealous Christian, who let’s everyone know what Christmas is really about…it’s all very lovely. And Jesus is the only one laughing.
I’m sorry, but if you don’t like the forest gifts that I found in the dead zombie hands of Satan herself, then maybe I shouldn’t come to these little family get togethers anymore. We’re not all perfect you know! And Yes, I do know what Christmas is really about:
“I have shown you in every way by laboring like this, that you must support the weak. And remembering the words of the Lord Jesus, that He said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.” - Bible – Acts 20:35
I BELIEVE YOU JESUS, AXE WIELDER — SON OF GOD!
I dunno, I guess it comes down to this: I don’t want to disappoint my kid sisters. They’re so young and impressionable, and and and have absolutely no idea what goes on in the world of aspiring adults. Moreover, the sorrowful looks on their little round faces..when they receive my obscure and highly alien triangle light-gifts…it’s too difficult to bear…
